How to Deal with Difficult In Laws

In-law relationships can be one of the most complex dynamics in families. When you marry someone, you don't just gain a partner—you gain an entire family system with its own history, values, and ways of relating. If you have a difficult relationship with your in laws, you are probably aware of that toll it has taken on your marriage.

If you're struggling with your in-laws, you're not alone. Here are three common patterns that can make these relationships particularly difficult.

1. The Overbearing In-Laws

Some in-laws seem to have an opinion on absolutely everything—from choosing to have children and how to raise children to major life decisions about careers, finances, and where you should live. They offer unsolicited advice constantly, critique your parenting choices, question your decisions, and truly believe they have a say in matters that should be private between you and your spouse.

This overbearing behavior often stems from a place of love and concern, but it can feel suffocating and disrespectful. When in-laws can't step back and trust that their adult child and spouse are capable of making their own decisions, it creates tension and resentment. The constant interference is emotionally and mentally exhausting and intensifies when your spouse doesn't establish firm boundaries, leaving you feeling unsupported and isolated.

Refusing to build a separate relationship with daughter or son in law

In healthy in-law relationships, parents work to develop an independent connection with their son- or daughter-in-law. However, some in-laws struggle to see you as anything beyond an extension of their child. They may consistently take their son's or daughter's side in disagreements without even hearing your perspective, or fail to make any effort to get to know you as an individual.

This is particularly common in relationships where a parent is overly attached to their adult child. Instead of welcoming you into the family as an individual, they see you as competition or as someone who has "taken away" their child. In heterosexual marriages, mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law often struggle with this dynamic, though it can happen in any configuration.

When in-laws refuse to build a direct, genuine relationship with you separate from their relationship with your spouse, it sends a clear message: you're not really family. You're just the person their child chose, and you constantly feel like you are under scrutiny.

3. Loyalty Over Authenticity

Perhaps the most troubling pattern is when in-laws prioritize family loyalty above authenticity. In these family systems, protecting the family's image or maintaining unity takes precedence over addressing problematic behavior, taking accountability, or standing up for what's just.

This might look like in-laws dismissing or minimizing harmful behavior by a family member, expecting you to sweep serious issues under the rug "for the sake of the family," or even expecting you to go along with blatant lies. They may become hostile when you refuse to go along with family narratives that you know to be false, or when you insist on addressing issues directly rather than pretending they don't exist.

Difficult in-law relationships rarely resolve themselves. They require clear boundaries, open communication with your spouse, and sometimes the acceptance that certain relationships will never be what you hoped they would be. The key is getting on the same page as your spouse regarding how to handle these dynamics.

How Couples Therapy Can Help

If in-law issues are creating ongoing tension in your marriage, couples therapy can help. A skilled therapist provides a neutral space to help you create a united front, set healthy boundaries, and improve communication. They can help both of you recognize unhealthy family patterns and help you process the difficult emotions that in-law conflicts trigger.

Most importantly, couples therapy reinforces that you're a team. When it comes to difficult in-laws, the health of your marriage must come first. A good therapist will help both partners understand that protecting your partnership isn't about choosing sides—it's about building a life together that honors both of you. Schedule a free phone consultation today to work with one of our skilled couples therapists.