Four Ways to Respond When You're Feeling Triggered

When we feel triggered in relationships, our nervous system activates and we're faced with a choice. How we respond in these heated moments can either build connection or create distance. Understanding your options gives you power over your reactions and helps you choose responses that align with your relationship goals.

1. Avoid: The "Everything's Fine" Response

Avoidance looks like brushing things off with "I'm fine" or "everything's fine" when it's clearly not. You might walk away, change the subject, or act like nothing happened. This response often comes from wanting to keep the peace.

While avoidance might feel easier in the moment, it builds resentment over time. Those unspoken frustrations accumulate, creating emotional distance and often leading to bigger explosions later. Your loved one may feel confused or shut out when you act okay while clearly pulling away.

2. Attack: The Blame and Criticize Response

When triggered, sometimes we go on the offensive. This involves criticizing the other person, blaming them for how we feel, and trying to pick a fight. The focus shifts away from what's bothering you and onto making the other person wrong.

The attack response escalates conflict rather than resolving it. It puts the other person on the defensive, making them less likely to hear your concerns. This approach damages trust and emotional safety, creating cycles of conflict that become harder to break.

3. Accept: The Defeated Withdrawal

This response involves withdrawing because you feel defeated and hopeless that things will change. You think "what's the point?" and don't even try addressing the issue.

This differs from avoidance in an important way: while avoidance builds resentment, acceptance comes from internal hopelessness. You're not angry—you're resigned. This cuts off possibilities for growth and change, making it harder to work through challenges together.

4. Approach: The Ideal Response

The approach response means moving toward the feeling and conversation rather than away from it. This builds connection and creates positive change.

However, approaching doesn't mean diving into conversation while highly activated. First, regulate your nervous system and calm down enough for productive discussion. Once regulated, move toward the conversation with empathy.

When you approach, focus on sharing how you feel using "I" statements rather than attacking. Say things like "I felt hurt when..." or "I noticed I had a strong reaction to..." This keeps focus on your experience rather than making the other person wrong.

A key tool is the "gentle startup" from the Gottman Method, bringing up sensitive topics softly rather than harshly. Instead of starting with criticism, begin with appreciation or acknowledge your contribution: "I value our relationship and want to talk about something bothering me" or "I notice I got triggered earlier, and I'd like to understand what happened."

The Power of Conscious Choice

Understanding these four response patterns gives you conscious choice. When you feel triggered—the racing heart, flood of thoughts, urge to react—pause and ask: "How do I want to respond? What will serve my relationship?"

Knowing your options means you're no longer at the mercy of automatic reactions. You can step away to regulate, then return to approach the conversation with intention. This transforms conflicts from relationship-damaging events into opportunities for deeper connection.

Learning to approach rather than avoid, attack, or accept takes practice. Be patient with yourself and celebrate small victories. Every time you choose approach, you're investing in your relationship's health and your own emotional well-being. Want support from a professional? Schedule a free 15 min phone consultation today!